maxomai | Things I wish would be in the State of the Union Address

Dear President Obama,

I know you're busy writing tonight's State of the Union address, the talking points for which are here, but I thought I might offer a few suggestions for things you'd want to add. Some of these are better for you than others. Sorry about that, but real friends are going to be straight with you, right? So, here we are.

Now, you might be wondering why I'm not prosecuting the assholes who created the 2008 disaster in the first place. The answer is, who do you think paid for my 2008 campaign?

Only in America can the President cut taxes and the media convince everyone that I somehow increased their taxes. I mean, come on.

Yeah, I probably should prosecute those Wall Street bitches. Fucking ungrateful children, all of 'em.

I'd like to thank Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich for supporting the individual mandate that I have as part of my health care plan.

I really wish you idiots would quit whining about how I handled GM and Chrysler. Have you seen their balance sheets lately? Have you seen Ford Motor Company's stock price lately? Yeah, the dealers took a haircut. The unions took a haircut. And if it weren't for me, the whole goddamn Midwest economy would have taken a haircut...(draws finger across neck)...real close to the shoulders like.

Look, more people went on food stamps under W than under my administration, and by the way, most of the people on food stamps are white, so Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, you can kiss my toned black ass.

Speaking of Rush and Newt...I challenge them both to a game of basketball. Two on one. Two of them against one of me. They can wear air-conditioned whatever. I'll wear a suit and tie. And combat boots, the kind that won't slip in the trails of sweat they're drippin' all over the court. Hehheheh....

Oh yeah, you know I'm wishing I'd taken care of this underwater mortgages bullshit back in 2009. (Pause for laughter.) I guess better late than never. (Wait for applause.)

By the way, let's remember that Osama bin Laden is dead, which is the only reason why the Republicans weren't tearing me a new one for not getting him on the tenth anniversary of nine-eleven.

Man, I can remember when that dude called me a slave.

Heh.. Hehehehehhh.... (Wait for applause.)

Hey Bin Laden...how's the water? (Wait for applause.)

By the way, if I'm not mistaken, I took out Gaddafi without putting any boots on the ground, no trillion dollar occupation either. You're welcome. (Wait for applause.) And, allow me to reiterate my earlier statement about dumb wars. (Wait for applause.)

Brother Farrakhan can also kiss my black ass. (Wait for applause.)

I'd be an idiot to start a war with Iran. Let Israel do that. We've got enough shit to worry about.

So, yeah, now that we're really winning the War on Terror, that indefinite detention things should be over by now. So I call on Congress to get behind Ron Paul and Dianne Feinstein and make that part of NDAA go away. We all know my signing statement, that I won't use that law that Congress granted me, is bullshit. Especially if that crazy asshole Newt Gingrich somehow manages to pull off a miracle of miracles and beat my ass in a general election. (Wait for applause.) So, my challenge to Congress is this: quit fucking around and get to repealing it.

By the way, nut up and give me some money to close Gitmo. Okay?

I'm looking really pathetic on the gay marriage issue. Enough. That ends tonight.

And by the way, I am really, really sorry that I let down the American people and our forefathers by offering the Nuremberg Defense for acts of torture under the previous administration. It wasn't Presidential.

I'd like to thank Newt Gingrich for supporting the bank bailout.

Okay, yeah, the bank bailout was unfair. I'm sorry. But starting tonight, we're going to start to level the playing field. (Wait for applause.)

Part of leveling the playing field is a simple change: commercial banks and investment banks must become separate entities. I urge Congress to reinstate Glass-Steagal. (Wait for applause.)

Where do these guys get off saying that I'm the most anti-gun President they've ever seen? Ronald Reagan signed more gun control legislation than I did. Come on.

I support a Constitutional Amendment saying that corporations are not people. (Wait for applause.)

Mitt Romney can thank me later for making him not a serial killer.

Occupy Wall Street has a point. Corporations get too much power. And both the Democrats and the Republicans are responsible for it. That ends tonight.

By the way, there's a moral case to be made for birth control, and for legal and safe abortion. Conservatives have a right to their opinion on this matter, but they don't own this issue.

And by the way, someone should have slapped me for not standing up for the secular nature of the Republic that I lead. In 2004 I made the case that we are the United States of America. This should be reflected in our national motto, which should be, and should always have been, E Pluribus Unum, from many, one.