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[personal profile] maxomai
Vice President Biden, Speaker Ryan, Senators, Representatives, Justices, Friends, Colleagues, and Fellow Americans. Today, I deliver my eighth, and FINAL, State of the Union address. (Wait for Republican applause to die down.)

And I can say that the State of our Union is a Hell of a lot stronger now than it was when the last son of a bitch handed me the keys. (Wait for Democratic applause to die down.)

Let's review the record. We turned around the economy fro the 2008 crisis, saved auto manufacturing, boosted green energy by 2000%, put millions on health insurance, slowed down health care cost increases to the lowest in decades, lowered student loan rates, and boosted Pell grants. (Wait for applause to die down.) And, we did all that while cutting the deficit. (Applause)

We opened diplomatic relations with Iran and Cuba, passed a trade deal with significant worker protections, ended a long war in Afghanistan and a dumb war in Iraq, and with the help of the international community we stopped an Ebola epidemic in West Africa from blowing up in our faces. (Applause)

Eight years ago Bin Laden called me a slave. I'd ask him what he thinks of me now, but he's been shark food for years. (Applause) So much for that asshole. (Wait for laughter to die down.)

So, we did a lot in the last seven years. But we didn't do enough. We could have done more. We CAN do more. And this is where I tell you-all (pointing to Congress) that we're GOING to do more.

I know, I know, this is an election year, and everybody wants to know who the next President is going to be, and who's going to run Congress next year. Spoiler alert: it's going to be a split Congress and Hillary's going to be President. I'm no psychic but I can read the polls, and so can you, so let's quit farting around and get to brass tacks.

First of all: let's talk about the Medicaid expansion gap. (Applause)

When we first started the Affordable Care Act, the idea was that we would expand Medicaid to cover more broke-ass people and then subsidize insurance for everyone else. Well, that shit fell apart fast, once the Supreme Court, in their infinite goddamn wisdom, decided that Medicaid coverage would vary on a state by state basis. (Boos)

Since we can't force the States to expand Medicaid coverage, why don't we subsidize insurance for broke-ass people at 100%? (Applause)

In fact, I'm here to announce that the Democrats are going to run on this. We're going to explain it to the people in sixth grade English, and we're going to rake over the coals every Republican who opposes it. (Applause)

Second, let's talk about background checks. (Applause)

This is a really simple proposition. If you buy a gun, you have to pass a background check. Whether you buy it from an FFL, or your friend, or a complete stranger, you have to conduct a background check.

"But Obama, you can't enforce that law without gun registration!" I'm sorry, that's bullshit. (Applause) We've been running sting operations for years to find straw purchasers. We know how they operate. The same principle applies here. If you're caught during a sting operation selling guns without a background check, you're under arrest and up on Federal charges. No ifs, ands or buts.

It's a simple proposition. It's a POPULAR proposition with over 70% support. And I'm here to let you know that we're going to run on it, and if you oppose it, we're going to beat you over the head with it. (Applause)

And fuck Wayne LaPierre too. (Laugher and applause) I'm not afraid of that Uncle Molesty sounding motherfucker. (Raucous cheers, applause)

Third, let's talk reproductive health care. (Applause)

In Colorado, teenagers and poor women can get free, reliable contraception in the form of an IUD, just by asking. And it was a huge success. From 2009 to 2013, the unplanned pregnancy rate fell 40%. The abortion rate fell 42%. And the program continues to work thanks to a two million dollar private donation.

Let's make that program nationwide. (Applause) We can do it with a simple change to the ACA, for example. And you'll see unplanned pregnancies fall, abortions continue to fall, and futures rise.

Congress might not want to do it, so guess what? We Democrats are going to run on this. (Applause.) And we're going to hold you to account if you don't support it. (Applause).

Finally, let's talk vote by mail. (Sustained applause)

In Oregon and Washington and California, voting by mail is easy, reliable, low on fraud and high on turnout. They are a model for the rest of the nation. So, let's work to implement it in the rest of the nation. (Applause)

Now, Congress isn't going to act on it, and they shouldn't. This isn't a Federal issue. This is a state issue. And I'm here to announce that the Democrats are going to run on vote by mail in state races from coast to coast in 2016 and 2018. No more standing in line for hours waiting for the one voting booth in the black majority precinct. No more having to decide between your job and your civic duty. And we're going to hold you accountable if you try to stop it. (Applause)

This is what we can do to make America better in the next year. It's not a lot. Then again, if there's one thing I learned as President, it's that sometimes it's the small changes that make the biggest difference in people's lives.

Are you with us, or are you against us? And in an election year with this as our platform, do you really want to be against us?

Thank you, God bless, and God bless the United States of America.
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